Greenock girls like to dance round poles in front of drunk men in pubs.
Sound a bit slanderous? Please. Believe me, I've done my research.
At The Yard, dominoes and conversation take second place to the new line in drinking den entertainment. Amateur pole dancing.
Good God, the thought really is enough to make you want to take a shower. Alone.
Now, I'll admit to visiting a lap dancing bar - once - for a stag night.
It was a successful evening by all accounts, despite the sozzled groom being turfed out and needing to be babysat in a shady back lane on a rotational basis by the other stags. It's kind of what I was expecting on my Wednesday night visit to The Yard. But not so.
The Greenock bar is ahead of the game when it comes to the latest in dangling drinking carrots before their punters. They're offering £100 to the best amateur pole dancer each week. Yes, £100.
We arrived at 9pm, just in time for the first girl's pole performance, to find the place moderately busy, and looking good.
Situated in a former TSB bank, The Yard has a graceful appearance like so many banks- cum-pubs. Ornate ceiling decor and sleek wood panelling are oddly contrasted with one of those Butlins- esque crazy pattern carpets which look like the aftermath of a toddler's birthday party.
And they've left the big old bank safes in the walls. One drinker suggested that they were too difficult to remove, but in Greenock? Surely they could have found someone at the Sheriff court on a Monday morning who knows their way round a hefty bank vault?
No matter. With £100 on offer every week, you have to wonder if maybe the bosses at The Yard found a wee stash of leftover cash in the vaults.
In the end, the odds weren't too bad for the dancers. Six of them gave it a go, and there wasn't a hint of seediness about it.
Here was me expecting a few Elizabeth Berkley wannabes, like in the film Showgirls. In the end, these pole dancers were about as erotic as an episode of Hi- De-Hi. The girls were good looking enough, but they kept their clothes on and some shoogled their bahookies as if they were trying to adjust ill- fitting pants.
The winning contestant did seem to be more confident, with both legs wrapped round the pole, and some suggestive tongue action going on.
But when you consider that the winner was wearing brown jeans and an old jumper - and was called Graham - you realise pole dancing at The Yard isn't taking itself too seriously.
And at £100 for three minutes, it's good work if you can get it.
Open: Mon-Wed, 11am-12pm; Thu-Sat, 10am-1am; Sun, 12.30pm-12pm
Drinks: Pints and bottles, £1.85; sprits and mixer, £1.70.
Details
01475 888877
Good God, the thought really is enough to make you want to take a shower. Alone.
Now, I'll admit to visiting a lap dancing bar - once - for a stag night.
It was a successful evening by all accounts, despite the sozzled groom being turfed out and needing to be babysat in a shady back lane on a rotational basis by the other stags. It's kind of what I was expecting on my Wednesday night visit to The Yard. But not so.
The Greenock bar is ahead of the game when it comes to the latest in dangling drinking carrots before their punters. They're offering £100 to the best amateur pole dancer each week. Yes, £100.
We arrived at 9pm, just in time for the first girl's pole performance, to find the place moderately busy, and looking good.
Situated in a former TSB bank, The Yard has a graceful appearance like so many banks- cum-pubs. Ornate ceiling decor and sleek wood panelling are oddly contrasted with one of those Butlins- esque crazy pattern carpets which look like the aftermath of a toddler's birthday party.
And they've left the big old bank safes in the walls. One drinker suggested that they were too difficult to remove, but in Greenock? Surely they could have found someone at the Sheriff court on a Monday morning who knows their way round a hefty bank vault?
No matter. With £100 on offer every week, you have to wonder if maybe the bosses at The Yard found a wee stash of leftover cash in the vaults.
In the end, the odds weren't too bad for the dancers. Six of them gave it a go, and there wasn't a hint of seediness about it.
Here was me expecting a few Elizabeth Berkley wannabes, like in the film Showgirls. In the end, these pole dancers were about as erotic as an episode of Hi- De-Hi. The girls were good looking enough, but they kept their clothes on and some shoogled their bahookies as if they were trying to adjust ill- fitting pants.
The winning contestant did seem to be more confident, with both legs wrapped round the pole, and some suggestive tongue action going on.
But when you consider that the winner was wearing brown jeans and an old jumper - and was called Graham - you realise pole dancing at The Yard isn't taking itself too seriously.
And at £100 for three minutes, it's good work if you can get it.
Open: Mon-Wed, 11am-12pm; Thu-Sat, 10am-1am; Sun, 12.30pm-12pm 
