DON'T ask me why, but it's one of those pub quiz questions that has always stuck in my mind - what's the furthest distance you can be from the sea in Scotland? The answer, incredibly, is just 37 miles. OK, so perhaps it's only yours truly who thinks that's quite incredible. But listen, what about this for another puzzler - which Scottish town is the furthest from a railway station? I'd genuinely appreciate it if any reader could furnish me with the correct answer. In the meantime, though, I'm going to hazard a guess and say Kelso. As I discovered recently while going on a restaurant review in the town, Kelso is approximately 22 miles from the nearest rail link at Berwick-Upon-Tweed. And don't I know it... Honesty, folks, this eating expedition felt as though Brendan and myself were appearing in a remake of Planes,Trains and Automobiles. Minus the planes of course. Although I'm now convinced the easiest way to reach Kelso is by private jet. Our journey started at Glasgow Central Station. 'How close can you get us to Kelso?' I asked the girl behind the counter. 'Berwick-Upon-Tweed,' she replied, almost apologetically. 'OK, can I have two adult returns - and a couple of gas masks for the toilet, thanks very much.' Five minutes later we were on the train bound for London King's Cross - seems quite bizarre, doesn't it? - and, after another hour and 45 minutes, we hopped off at Berwick-Upon-Tweed. That's when I realised geography isn't my mate Brendan's strongest subject. 'Berwick-Upon-Tweed,' he mused as the barmaid in the King's Arms Hotel poured us a drink. 'Is that the same as Berwick?' 'Yes,' she replied. 'So what about North Berwick - is that just the same as Berwick as well?' 'Er, no,' she smiled, convinced - despite his glaikit coupon - that he was taking the mickey. 'So we're now in England?' 'Yes,' she replied. Then Brendan really excelled himself. 'Is Kelso in England?' Time for a taxi, I think, and it was a wee chap called Wullie McCulloch - originally from Govan - who drove us back across the border. Clearly a proud patriot, he even tooted the horn several times when we reached Coldstream and were greeted by the sign 'Scotland Welcomes You'. 'So this is Scotland?' asked Brendan. Yes, I think it is fair to say he was now totally confused. We arrived in Kelso at 1.15pm and immediately feared the worst. Kelso, you see, appeared to be - well - shut. The town centre looked as though it would have been an ideal secret hideaway for Osama Bin Laden, but our taxi-driver offered an explanation. 'It's half-day closing on a Wednesday.' What?Does that still happen? I thought they stopped this in the '60s. To be fair, though, it's still only 1954 in Kelso. Nah, only joking, it's a smashing wee town and our long journey w as well worth the effort. Our final destination was The Waggon Inn - even the current owner can't explain the double g - and the good news right away is that its doors stay open on Wednesday afternoons.That was a huge relief I can tell you. Located next door to the police station, it looks and feels like any large, run-of-the-mill boozer, but I guarantee you'll never confuse its food with standard pub grub. No, forget about cheese toasties, pickled eggs and salted peanuts - the specials board alone at The Waggon Inn would be the envy of many a city centre restaurant. And it was from this tempting line-up I chose my starter - - salmon and prawn fishcakes.The time it took this dish to arrive at the table - bearing in mind there were only two other customers in the pub - - was more than enough to convince us we're talking freshly prepared, homecooked food at The Waggon Inn. And I wasn't disappointed at all. Two plump, crunchy salmon fishcakes topped with loads of prawns in a light, creamy sauce.Yes, very good indeed. And just one minor quibble - a little bit of bread to mop up the tasty sauce would surely have been a good idea. Brendan's winter vegetable soup was also unquestionably homemade. 'It's just like the Scotch broth my mammy used to make,' he said. 'The only thing missing is a slap on the ear.' It's mainly traditional goodies on the menu - scampi, fish and chips, lamb shanks, etc - and I was sorely tempted to order 'local beef with Yorkshire pudding'. Well, until the girl running the place let it slip that her business partner dabbles in racehorses. Can't be too careful, eh? I mean, they can't all go to the glue factory. I plumped for her recommendation - the chicken fajitas - and, sure enough,it was a splendid suggestion. Served on one of those big sizzling metal dishes that always look downright lethal, I received a heap of spicy chicken strips mixed with plenty of onions and peppers. On the side - and, to be honest, I didn't really require anything else - were three soft flour tortillas, a mountain of crisp tortilla chips and two spicy dips. Yes, definitely a top recommendation and without doubt my dish of the week. Meanwhile, Brendan lapped up his turkey dinner (yes, this had been a pre-Christmas trip to Kelso) and he was particularly impressed with two aspects of his meal. For a start, the sheer size of the plateful - a true festive feast. And the little sausages wrapped in bacon were also quite tremendous. Dessert was always going to be a struggle, but fuelling up for the long trek home seemed a sensible idea. So we each had a slab of cake from the well-stocked chilled cabinet - white chocolate tart and a fantastic triple nut tart - and I strongly urge you to do the same. Time to go home, but not before we asked the girl at The Waggon Inn if there was any alternative to embarking on the same trip in reverse. 'Well, there's a bus to Edinburgh,' she said. Sounds good, I thought. 'But you need to change at Galashiels.' Tell you what, folks, if Phileas Fogg had landed in Kelso there's no way he'd have made it around the world in 80 days. THE WAGGON INN Address: 10 Coalmarket, Kelso Tel: 01573 224 568 Open: Seven days for lunch and dinner Bill for two: £38Food: 4/5 - superior pub grub Service: 4/5 - friendly Scottish Borders welcome Decor: 3/5 - clean and tidy boozer Toilets: 3/5 - did the trick Value: 4/5 - very reasonable pricesTotal: 18/25 | 
