THIS WEEK'S REVIEW WAS EDIN FOR DISASTER UNTIL TAM POPPED INTO THE FIVE-STAR BALMORAL
By Tam Cowan
IT WAS one of those bitterly cold winter afternoons where you half expect to be mugged by a polar bear desperate to get its paws on your scarf and gloves. So we quickly dismissed the idea of a walk round the shops in Edinburgh and headed straight for the five-star warmth of the magnificent Balmoral Hotel at the bottom end of Princes Street.
After all, this week's restaurant for review was just a two-minute walk round the corner, so where better to chill out (wrong choice of expression considering the icicles dangling from our nostrils) until it was time for dinner? Fifty yards beyond the hotel's revolving doors - always a sign of sheer class - we stumbled upon Palm Court, a delightfully cosy lounge full of people sipping champagne cocktails and what appeared to be the entire cast of Calendar Girls - scarves, shawls, the lot - enjoying their afternoon tea. Never have I seen so many cream cakes disappearing in such a short space of time. Just to complete the wonderfully relaxed atmosphere, there was even a pianist on hand to tickle the ivories. The afternoon was suddenly shattered, however, by the shock news on the other end of my phone that our restaurant was closed and wouldn't be re-opening until the following evening. What now? Shove a few of the Calendar Girls out of the way - a difficult task - and review the strawberry tarts at Palm Court? Nope, Sandra had a much better idea. Who's Sandra? Well, this delightful lady works in Palm Court (after a 20-year career in showbiz that included a spell working on The White Heather Club) and she now has a dream job that surely makes her the envy of every single woman in Scotland... She's paid to talk! Yes, believe it or not, ladies, Sandra doesn't take drink orders, serve food or tidy the tables. Her sole responsibility is to make customers welcome by sashaying around the tables with a friendly smile and a little bit of pleasant chit-chat. And you thought Brad Pitt's personal dresser had the best job on the planet? A quick conversation with Sandra and our problem was quickly solved. First up, she recommended trying the Balmoral's top restaurant, Number One.But after a quick glance at the menu - and not having robbed a bank that afternoon - I decided to give it a miss. Hadrian's sounded a much better option. Located just beyond the hotel reception desk, Sandra gave it the thumbs-up in terms of both taste and price and even expertly recommended three or four dishes without any need for a look at the menu. So plan Bwas not now set in motion and, even though the bamboo plants on the tables unquestionably came from Ikea, I can tell you the dining room at Hadrian's is stunning. Customers are politely requested to silence mobile phones and, adding to the pleasant, old-fashioned ambience, you'll be given a stout cloakroom ticket for your jackets. The service - as I suppose you should expect at one of Scotland's top hotels - is exemplary. Actually, maybe it was just a bit too good for a Motherwell man like myself. For once in my life, I was stuck for words when the waiter removed our empty wine bottle and said: 'Would you like to keep the cork, sir, or shall I take it away?' Eh? My reply, of course, should have been: 'Please take it away, my good man, as I don't foresee the onset of any diarrhoea problems this evening.' However, a little bit baffled - I'm not quite up to speed on cork etiquette - I just shrugged my shoulders and mumbled: 'Er, yeah, that's fine, just take it away.' Incidentally, the wine is expensive - £9.50 for a Chilean red sounds quite reasonable - until I point out that's for a half bottle. The food, though, is pretty reasonably priced at Hadrian's - on average, starters are about £5.50 and main courses range from £6.50 to £14.95 - and if you steer well clear of my chosen starter, you'll probably be just fine. Considering it was described on the menu as bang, bang chicken, I was expecting something hot and spicy - but this was a real damp squib. Slices of chicken breast drowned in a cold, gloopy, satay sauce that tasted high on chemicals and low on peanuts. Honestly, folks, it's a dish that would have even achieved the impossible by wiping the smile off Sandra's face. My dining companion, Natalie, fared much,much better. Generous slices of good-quality Parma ham served with fresh galia melon that had been liberally sprinkled with black pepper. Sounds a little bit strange, but it definitely works. As does, I'm informed, some black pepper on strawberries. Anyone given that combo a try? At a famous Scottish hotel called the Balmoral in the heart of our capital, I was almost scared to try the haggis, neeps and tatties in case it was a disappointment. But I needn't have worried. All three components of this classic dish were excellent and the light whisky sauce was just about perfect. Don't know about you, but I reckon there's nothing worse when the alcohol flavour in food is far too overpowering. Dish of the day? Definitely Natalie's lamb shanks. A steal at £12.95, the vast quantities of tender meat simply fell off the bone and the chef at Hadrian's clearly knows how to make mashed potato. Sticking around in such comfortable surroundings for a little while longer seemed a good idea, so I ordered a rare dessert and Natalie grudgingly - aye right - followed suit. Three scoops of top quality ice-cream - white chocolate, dark chocolate and honey - and a generous slab of dark chocolate tart later and we'd completed a pretty decent meal. Good food - apart from that hellish starter - at surprisingly reasonable prices in what is unquestionably a stunning hotel. So thanks for the top tip, Sandra, and remember to give me a shout when you're thinking about retirement. I know two or three million women who'd quite fancy that job. Hadrian's Address: The Balmoral Hotel, 2 North Bridge, Edinburgh Tel: 0131 557 5000 Open: Seven days for breakfast, lunch and dinnerBill for two: £53Food: 3/5 - good recovery after poor start Service: 5/5 - five star just like the hotel Decor:4/5 - plush and very comfortable Toilets: 5/5 - immaculate, all mod cons Value: 4/5 - great, but careful with the wineTotal: 21/25
